you didn't knock when you came in
though you had been sitting outside the door
listening, waiting
for your moment.

you slipped in quietly
but let the door slam behind you.

i didn't know what to say at first
i sat up a little straighter
moved a few things around
but the room just wasn't the same
with you inside of it.

you haven't come for me yet
but you're just biding your time
and i know you've visited a lot of my friends
but it's not my turn.

no, not yet.

you whisper things like "rent" and "insurance" in my ear
and i hate you for it
though i know you mean well.

so until then i will sit in my bed, watching you
as we learn to live together.

i'm not entirely sure why i post the way i do on this blog, or why i have so many posts that just sit in the blogger dashboard without being published. i guess i don't feel compelled to post the events of my life...

which isn't to say that i don't enjoy the readings of other people who do post that. in fact, i check their blogs religiously.

that said, i reread a note i got from one of my tilikum family this summer. it ended with--"thanks for allowing me a peek into your crazy, overactive mind." so, i guess, this is what i want it to be: a peek into my crazy, overactive mind, if that's what it is.

have you ever been hungry, but you didn't really want to eat, but at the same time, you knew knew you just wanted to eat even though you weren't that hungry?

i feel like that about life right now.

i am struggling with you, Lord
not as enemies do, or even as embittered lovers
but as friends
who are locked in an arm wrestling match.

i am sitting across the table from you, Lord
staring deep into Your eyes
and straining with all my might
but the closeness of our seats belies the seeming tension.

i know you will win, Lord
for You so often do
but i need to try and move You, even just a bit
just to see if i can.

because i don't have words right now.

"I wish none of this had happened."

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, besides the will of evil...And that is an encouraging thought."

-j.r.r. tolkien (with peter jackson and co.)

you're going to have to be brave.
when you think you can't take another step
you grit your teeth and grip my hand
and we'll take another one.

when you look in a mirror
just remember that it doesn't matter
and that i love you
and put a brave face on. keep looking.

sometimes it's going to seem like too much
and you're going to want to give up
and that's ok.
you don't always to have to be brave.

that's what i'm here for.

the time of your life.

i hope you still remember.

but i think if i could pick one thing for you to remember, it would be the time that we both lived in the basement. remember how i started living down there by myself, but truthfully, i didn't do it because i wanted my own room. i just thought it would be neat to live down there, away from the parents. i'm glad you finally moved down with me. looking back, that was a dumb move, by all accounts. we never woke up for our alarm, and mom had to come outside to those tiny windows to yell at us to wake up. the damp concrete wreaked havoc on your allergies, and we couldn't fit our clothes in that tiny closet. we were both afraid to walk outside to go to the bathroom and that tiled floor always felt so cold.

but take away our laughing and talking late into the night, our jumping on that massive bed, our playing video games until (gasp!) 11pm without mom or dad knowing, pausing video games to go to school, then coming back into that room and playing them, or trying to get our star wars photos to stay on the wall, and i wouldn't trade it for anything.